After All

Been talking to myself again
Kitchen light still buzzing
Half a glass beside the sink
Ashtray getting crowded
Asked myself what happens next
Like I'd suddenly know
Just laughed a little to myself
Lit another smoke
Been trying to hold things together
Like they asked me to
Funny how the harder I grip
The less my hands can do
Everything gets quieter at night
That's usually when it starts
Little thoughts showing up
Acting like they own the place
And I can't tell what's worse
Holding on
Or watching things go
Either way
Something leaves
Either way
Something knows
I could let it take me under
Or drag myself back up
Some nights those feel like
The same thing
You ever sit out in your car
Long after you parked?
Radio talking to nobody
Static in the dark
Feels weird how disappearing
Doesn't always look dramatic
Sometimes it's just not answering
People you actually love
And I can't tell what's worse
Holding on
Or watching things go
Either way
Something leaves
Either way
Something knows
I could let it take me under
Or drag myself back up
Some nights those feel like
The same thing
I'm not saying I want saving
Just wouldn't mind feeling different
Wouldn't mind one quiet night
Where my head doesn't keep spinning
Maybe that's dramatic
Maybe it's just late
Hard to tell the difference anymore
Still here though
For whatever that's worth